Weight Loss Update

When I started this blog, I wanted to use it first to document my progress in a weight loss challenge I had set myself - I was unhealthy; unhappy with how I both looked and felt; so I challenged myself to lose between 40 and 50lbs: enough to, I felt at the time, make me feel happier about who I am.

I've now reached what I'd like to call a plateau - it's been about 8 months and I have not only removed a lot of excess weight, but I've kept it off too. The reason why I'm calling it a plateau is that I've been using this time to reflect on what I've learnt, rather than naively press forward. These days I fluctuate between 25lbs and 30lbs less than I did last summer, and I wear 2 sizes smaller, but I also stress about every little thing I consume - losing weight hasn't been easy, and I have once or twice found myself crying over how unhealthy I feel when I crack and order takeaway. I've felt both increasingly body-confident and cripplingly self-conscious, in ways I hadn't ever experienced or considered before.

I wanted to take this opportunity to write a post about what I felt I have learnt, and what my next step is.

Taken 4 months ago, this skirt no longer stays on my hips.

One of the first things I realized is that my relationship with food is uneven at best. I fluctuate from craving foods that will do nothing but rot my teeth and clog my arteries to going almost an entire day before realizing I haven't eaten, yet still not feeling hungry enough to do so. I obsess over how many calories are in this and is my meal plan for today less than 1200 calories and have I reached my Vitamin A/Vitamin C/Protein targets, and it's taken me maybe half a year to realize I've gone a bit nutrition-goal crazy. For example, in the image below I used ketchup instead of a healthier homemade pasta sauce because I knew there were less calories in the ketchup (although more sugars).

I'm not saying that the way I've lost weight is totally unhealthy, as perhaps by making sure I meet certain vitamin targets while cutting down on sugar and fats is far better than eating only boiled cabbage, for example, but the way I've been obsessing is, and I'm glad that I'm able to talk about it in this update. Yes, this method has worked for me so far, but I know continuing with such an unhealthy obsession will only further damage me both physically and mentally, and will affect the people around me.

I want my goal for the next part of my weight loss to focus less on calories and more on a healthy lifestyle - balancing healthy foods with an exercise routine. I plan on properly joining a gym (once my knee gets a little better, oops), and continuing with the yoga I have been doing in the last couple of months.


Something I was really looking forward to as a weight-loss achievement was a dramatic improvement in my self-esteem, but it turns out striving for perfection is a double-edged sword (who knew, huh). While my hang-ups about the size of my stomach, my thighs or my bum have diminished ever so slightly, I've developed little niggles over things I'd never even thought of before: isn't my nose huge? What about my little chubby fingers?

I like this photo, but equally I hate my nose, my chin and my under-eye bags.

Contradictorily, I've also found myself embracing my size and wearing clothes I never would have considered wearing before, just because I like them and I feel comfortable in them - I've really embraced crop tops, despite them not being conformative clothing for my size, and I certainly feel more comfortable when going out with friends despite being a size or two larger than them.

I've also found, completely unexpectedly, that I get more unwanted male attention. By that, I mean men yelling and wolfwhistling at me in the street, and one nervewracking incident in which someone followed me almost to my front door because I hadn't responded when he'd 'complimented' me outside a pub when I was walking home.

To anyone reading who has done this, or knows friends who have done this, it is genuinely a terrifying experience, and no, it's nothing to do with what I've been wearing; a couple of weeks ago I was yelled at outside The White Company by a group of about 15 year old boys who thought they were 'gangsta' when I was in a pair of jeans and a size 18 jumper, with no make-up on. Not sure what's so gansta about The White Company but I suppose hanging outside somewhere with candles for your mum for Mothers' Day and harassing women in the street go hand-in-hand, am I right?


In a lot of ways I do feel far better for losing as much weight as I have, and certainly the change in lifestyle has positively affected my skin, my spots and my confidence, but equally it's highlighted certain things about the obsessive nature of calorie counting, and how easily it is to become fixated on food. I do plan on continuing to lose weight, but I want to tackle the second part of my challenge with open eyes, and begin to focus more on body confidence. When I look back on images of myself from a year ago I do feel proud of how far I've come, and I hope to be looking at images of myself a year from now with a similar proud feeling.